March 15

idesMarch 15
Well, it’s starting to look as though the snow, despite its previous attitude, is beginning to recede. It will have to whether it wants to or not as the weather has been quite mild as of late. I heard that they’re even predicting some rain, which would be nice. We could use a nice, cool rain to wash the streets clean.

It made me think of that night. Remember that incredible thunderstorm? Nowhere else on earth can you feel the awesome power of nature the way you can on the prairies.

We had been sitting together reading (you were reading, I was wondering what was on your mind) and then suddenly, BOOM! The whole apartment seemed to shake. We went out onto the balcony and watched the clouds begin to move towards us so fast, and then the entire sky lit up. It was amazing how it was, at some points, much brighter outside than it was inside. Then the wind began to pick up and you could see the leaves on the trees below us go from this pretty little tarantella dance to arms of a madman flailing against some unseen enemy. Then the rain began to fall, softly, slowly at first, then in huge droplets that I thought were going to turn into hail. I wanted to go in but you said, no, let’s stay and watch it out here, so I got us some hats and jackets and we watched the clouds clash with sky in a dazzling display of warfare unknown to most here on earth.

Oh god.

Then you turned to me, and told me. You told me about the beast within that would eat at you until you were gone, the silent destroyer that one hears so much about, but never expects that it could happen to someone one loves. And you told me that you didn’t want to fight it. That you were happy, and needed for me to be happy with your decision, that fighting it would tear us apart and destroy every memory we’d had of each other in our brief time together. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I pleaded with you, please, fight this thing, we can fight it together! But you were firm. You had made your mind up. And we held each other close, so close in that driving rain, the lightning lighting up the entire sky, the thunder consuming the air around us until all that existed was, very simply, the two of us surrounded by light and noise.

We, neither of us, cried that night. I was too shocked, I think you were too determined not to; to not be crushed by this thing in your lifetime: not while you still had breath. We fell asleep in each others’ arms, safe and secure in the comfort of the other, for the last time that night. I dreamed of thunderstorms and sunrises and rainbows and when I woke, you were gone. Dreamily, I arose out of our bed and walked towards the kitchen to put on coffee, my memory of the night before not quite there yet. I knew there was something wrong, what was it again…

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